How to Practice Self-Compassion: Tips for Overcoming Self-Criticism

By Anna Kraft, LPC

Recently, I've noticed more people getting lost in self-criticism. They talk to me about the spiral of negative feelings they experience towards themselves, such as feeling that they aren't doing enough, that they should be doing better, or that they are flawed. After sharing these thoughts, I see vulnerable eyes looking up at me, wondering how to 'fix' these concerns. My answer is the same: self-compassion.

Self-compassion is about treating oneself with warmth, kindness, and understanding during difficult times. It's offering oneself the same kindness that one would offer another person in suffering. Dr. Kristin Neff identifies three elements that are the foundation of self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. When these elements are used together, you can create a secure container to hold your suffering without getting overwhelmed or over-identifying with it.

There are so many myths and misconceptions that stop us from practicing self-compassion.

One common myth is that self-compassion is the same as self-pity or self-indulgence. However, self-compassion isn’t about feeling sorry for yourself or avoiding responsibility. Instead, it is about acknowledging your suffering with kindness and understanding, recognizing that pain and failure are part of the human experience. In this acknowledgment you are actually freed to act in more aligned ways that meet your long term goals.

Another myth is that self-compassion is a sign of weakness. In reality, research shows that self-compassion is associated with greater emotional resilience and mental well-being. It takes courage to face your struggles with kindness and compassion, rather than harsh self-criticism.

One of the challenges of practicing self-compassion is that it can feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable, especially for when we are used to being self-critical. The inner critic, fueled by societal standards of perfectionism, often convinces us that you are not deserving of self-compassion. This can create a vicious cycle of self-criticism, leading to feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness.

Self-criticism can feel like the easier option because it is often fueled by external validation.

Society tends to reward achievements and success, making it easier to criticize yourself for not measuring up to these standards. In contrast, self-compassion requires a shift in perspective, prioritizing kindness and understanding over self-judgment.

Some basic steps to develop self-compassion include asking yourself what you would say to a friend in this situation and offering that compassion to yourself, acknowledging the present, and surrounding yourself with community and spaces that encourage compassion, such as reaching out to loved ones or visiting your favorite places.

Building and maintaining self-compassion is an ongoing journey and not one that you need to do alone.

Therapy can be a helpful place to practice self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness. Your therapist should serve as a secure container as you are building your own. By recognizing and challenging the myths and challenges associated with self-compassion, individuals can begin to cultivate a more compassionate relationship with themselves, leading to a happier and more fulfilling life.