I used to think relationships came with a checklist.
Not because anyone handed me one, but because it felt like everyone else had the same copy:
- Meet someone
- Date seriously
- Move in
- Get engaged
- Get married
- Have kids
- Stay together forever
I didn’t question it. It was just how people do things. It was the escalator—you step on, and the ride takes you upward whether you’re ready or not.
But at some point, the ride that was supposed to feel exciting started creating pressure and disconnection in my relationship. Every “next step” felt like a deadline. And that pressure did something quiet but heavy to my relationship.
Realizing the Escalator Wasn’t Working
Most romantic relationships navigate conversations about crossing milestones, such as moving in together or getting engaged. When partners are aligned in their needs and seasons of life, these conversations can be exciting and deepen the intimacy in the relationship. When partners have different needs or pacing preferences, these conversations can elicit feelings of confusion, doubt, and anxiety. Partners may wonder:
- Do I want that (e.g. moving in together, engagement)?
- Am I losing something if I don’t?
- What if I’m disappointing someone?
- What if I fall behind what I see everyone else doing?
- What’s wrong with me?
I remember having coffee with a friend and telling her how I felt frustrated that my partner hadn’t proposed. I felt confused because nothing was wrong with my relationship, but I felt anxiety and urgency to reach this milestone. My friend asked me what was fueling my urgency to get engaged. Through this conversation with my friend, I realized that I was anxious about matching a pace that I had seen in other relationships. It was not an issue with my relationship. It was anxiety about not reaching the top of the escalator fast enough.
The Mental Health Toll I Didn’t Notice at First
Looking back, the signs were there long before I paid attention:
I treated relationship milestones like performance reviews.
If I wasn’t hitting the traditional timeline, I felt behind—as if my worth depended on progress.
I confused compatibility with achievement.
If the relationship didn’t “advance,” I saw it as failure, not a mismatch of needs.
I felt shame for wanting something different.
I didn’t know how to explain that I could love someone deeply and still want to move at a different pace. Perhaps even skipping or removing steps from the checklist.
Each of these pulled at my self-esteem. I didn’t feel broken, exactly—but I felt out of step, like everyone had learned choreography I somehow missed.
Giving Myself Permission to Step Off
The turning point came when I realized something simple:
There is no prize for riding the escalator.
But there is a cost for staying on it when it’s not meant for you.
So I stepped off.
Not dramatically. Not rebelliously. Just quietly, intentionally.
I had honest conversations. I slowed things down. I let myself imagine a relationship path that felt right for me. I let myself explore how I could authentically build a stronger bond not only with my partner, but in all my relationships.
And the strange thing was—my anxiety didn’t spike.
It softened.
It exhaled.
What My Relationships Look Like Now
My relationships—romantic, platonic, and everything in between—are steadier now because they’re actually mine. They grow in the direction that feels right, not the direction culture nudges me toward.
Sometimes that means:
- placing equal weight on friendships and partners
- choosing depth over milestones
- defining commitment as presence, not progression
- honoring my own pace even when it doesn’t match someone else’s
The absence of a predetermined script has made room for clarity and self-trust.
If You’re Feeling the Same Pressure…
You’re not alone.
You’re not behind.
And you’re not broken.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting the traditional path. There’s also nothing wrong with wanting something entirely different.
The real question is:
What kind of relationship supports your mental health, your selfhood, and your sense of freedom?
If the escalator feels good, ride it.
If it feels suffocating, step off or create your unique path.
Both choices are valid.
Only one is truly yours.
Relationship counseling can be a great place to explore how partners want to pace their relationship and to process the many feelings that may come up in those conversations. Using evidence-based tools, we will remove the anxiety of deadlines and enhance presence. We will work together to consciously build a relationship journey that aligns with your values, rather than unconsciously riding an escalator. To read more on how we do relationship counseling click here.
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