Why Does Anxiety Feel So Intense and Hard to Control?
If you’re someone who feels anxiety building and immediately thinks, “I need this to stop right now,” you’re not alone. You want to stop fighting anxiety
Most people I work with aren’t just struggling with anxiety itself—they’re exhausted from trying to outrun it, quiet it, or make it go away as fast as possible.
And it makes so much sense.
Anxiety can feel overwhelming. Your heart races, your thoughts spiral, and your body shifts into fight-or-flight mode. It feels unsafe—even when you logically know you’re okay.
So of course you try to make it stop.
But here’s the piece that often gets missed:
The more we try to get rid of anxiety, the more intense it can feel.
Why Trying to Get Rid of Anxiety Can Make It Worse
When your body senses anxiety, it’s trying to protect you.
But when you respond with urgency—“this needs to go away right now”—your brain interprets that as:
“This must be dangerous.”
Which actually keeps the anxiety cycle going.
This is where shifting your relationship with anxiety becomes powerful.
Instead of trying to eliminate it, what if you learned how to respond to it differently?
How to Deal with Anxiety Differently: The DARE Approach
The DARE approach (developed by Barry McDonagh) is a simple, structured way to respond to anxiety—especially in those moments when it feels like it’s taking over.
DARE stands for:
- Defuse
- Allow
- Run Toward
- Engage
Let’s walk through what this looks like in real life.
Step 1: Defuse Anxious Thoughts
Anxiety often comes with loud, convincing thoughts:
“Something’s wrong.”
“I can’t handle this.”
“What if this gets worse?”
Instead of believing every thought, you gently create space from them.
You might say:
- “This is anxiety.”
- “My body is trying to protect me.”
- “This feels scary, but I’m not in danger.”
You’re not forcing the thoughts away—you’re just turning down the volume.
Step 2: Allow Anxiety Instead of Fighting It
This is often the hardest shift—especially if you’re used to trying to calm anxiety as fast as possible.
Allowing sounds like:
- “I don’t like this, but I can handle it.”
- “This feeling can be here.”
When you stop resisting anxiety, it often becomes less intense.
Not instantly—but gradually.
Step 3: Stop Avoiding Anxiety and Gently Move Toward It
Avoidance is one of the biggest things that keeps anxiety stuck.
So instead of backing away, you gently lean in.
This might sound like:
- “Okay… I’m here.”
- “I can ride this out.”
- “You can stay.”
You’re showing your brain:
This feeling isn’t dangerous.
And over time, your nervous system starts to respond differently.
Step 4: What to Do During an Anxiety Spiral: Engage with the Present Moment
Once the intensity starts to shift—even slightly—you bring your attention back to what’s in front of you.
Ask:
- “What’s one small thing I can do right now?”
This could be:
- Folding laundry
- Sending a text
- Going for a short walk
- Staying in the moment instead of leaving it
You’re reminding your brain:
I don’t have to wait for anxiety to disappear to keep living.
Why Anxiety Keeps Coming Back (And How Therapy Can Help)
If it feels like anxiety keeps returning no matter what you do, you’re not broken.
There’s often a deeper pattern underneath:
- Avoidance cycles
- High expectations of yourself
- Past experiences or chronic stress
- A nervous system that’s learned to stay on high alert
Therapy can help you:
- Understand your anxiety triggers
- Learn how your body responds to stress
- Practice new ways of responding (like DARE) in a supported space
- Address the root—not just the symptoms
You don’t have to figure this out alone.
A Different Way to Respond to Anxiety
If you take anything from this, let it be this:
You don’t have to fight anxiety to get through it.
When you stop trying to force it away and instead respond with openness and curiosity, something begins to shift.
Not perfectly. Not all at once.
But enough to remind you:
This feeling is uncomfortable—but it’s not dangerous.
And you are capable of moving through it.
If you’re finding yourself stuck in the cycle of anxiety, avoidance, and trying to make it stop as quickly as possible, you don’t have to navigate that alone. Our anxiety therapy work is centered on helping you understand your nervous system, gently shift your relationship with anxiety, and build tools that actually feel supportive in real life—not overwhelming or impossible to use when you need them most.
You can learn more about how we support anxiety [here], and what it might look like to start feeling a little more grounded, steady, and in control again.
