When I’m in the pottery studio, comparison is all over the place. Managing comparison feels sometimes impossible today when we have access to constantly compare ourselves to others.
Phrases like:
- “Your mug looks so much better than mine.”
- “I could never do that.”
- “I will never be as good as you.”
It is weird how these statements, which should be compliments, can quickly get turned into comparison and self-criticism. Why are we so quick to compare ourselves to others, and does this comparison hurt us? It can push us to achieve greatness, but often at the sacrifice of putting ourselves down.
We Can’t Get Rid of Comparison
“Stop comparing yourself to others” sounds nice, but it is not realistic.
In society and in our day-to-day lives, we make a lot of critical decisions based on comparison.
- What is the best car to buy?
- Do I adopt a dog or a cat?
- What restaurant do I go to?
- Who am I going to vote for?
Comparison is a critical part of our world, without it we aren’t informed of all our choices. It can be empowering to make comparisons. The presence of comparison doesn’t mean something is wrong. What matters is what happens after the comparison.
Comparison Can Actually Be Good
Comparison can help us identify what is important to us and motivate us.
When I hear people at my pottery studio saying, “Your mug looks better than mine,” I know that can mean they value creativity, small details, and dedication to learning a craft. The statement comes out as a self-deprecating compliment, but it also sends a message about what is important to them in pottery.
When someone says, “Your mug looks better than mine,” it might actually mean, “I want to take more creative risks.”
Comparison can often:
- Inspire each other
- Show us possibilities we didn’t know existed before
- Help us recognize what is important to us
- Motivate growth
- Help us identify our values
- Create connection: “Oh, other people struggle with this too.”
Comparison or jealousy can sometimes be a helpful tool for identifying a need or value in our lives that isn’t being met, which we can then more actively work toward.
Comparison Can Also Make Us Miserable
The biggest problem people tend to have with comparison is that it can make us feel awful. Often, our comparisons shift from information into judgment, shame, and feeling “behind.” Comparison becomes harmful when an observation turns into a judgment about our worth. This is when comparison slows us down and even can make us stuck.
Instead of asking, “How do I stop comparing myself?” shift the question to: “What is this comparison doing for me?”
When you notice comparison, ask:
- What am I noticing about this person?
“Their mug is better than mine.” - What story am I creating about myself because of it?
“I’m behind and should be better at pottery.” - Is the comparison giving me information or punishing me?
- What might the jealousy or comparison be telling me I want?
Maybe growth, recognition, community, money, creativity, freedom, relationships, etc. - Is there something useful I can take from this?
If yes, turn comparison into curiosity or action. If no, recognize that continuing the comparison probably isn’t serving you.
Sometimes the Answer Is to Stop Looking
Give yourself permission to unfollow, mute, step away, or create boundaries around comparison triggers.
- Mute the account.
- Unfollow someone.
- Stop checking someone’s numbers.
- Take a break from a particular space.
- You don’t have to prove you are emotionally evolved enough to tolerate content that consistently makes you feel terrible.
Take Out the “Shoulds”
In life, there are very few things that you should do. “I should clean my room because my best friend’s room is clean.” Instead: “It would be beneficial for me to clean my room.” Or: “I should get a haircut because this hairstyle is trending.” Instead: “I would like to get my hair cut because I think it would make me feel good about myself.”
Pay attention to how often your comparisons turn into “shoulds.” Ask yourself if this is something you actually want to do or something you feel like you should want to do because someone else is doing it. Should’s can be fueled by our purpose in life, but sometimes the shoulds distract us from what is really important to us.
Looking for a Feeling, Not an Accomplishment
Sometimes, when comparing ourselves to others, we don’t actually want the accomplishment they have. We want the love, attention, or feeling of accomplishment that we think they have.
Instead of doing something you don’t actually want to do just to get that feeling of accomplishment, find something you do want to do that could give you that same feeling.
Sometimes you are searching for the happy feeling you associate with the accomplishment, not the actual accomplishment itself. Ask yourself: Do I actually want what this person has, or do I want how I imagine I would feel if I had it?
Remember, “Good” and “Better” Are Subjective
If you are comparing yourself to someone who you think is “good” or “better” than you, ask yourself what your definition of good or better actually is.No matter what your definition of “good” and “better” is, it is probably different from the person sitting next to you. It can also be different from culture to culture.
So before deciding that someone is “better” than you, ask yourself what “better” even means to you. Ask yourself: Did I actually decide that making more money means I’m successful? Did I decide what a good body looks like? Did I decide what age I’m supposed to own a house, get married, have kids, or have my career figured out? Or did I absorb those definitions somewhere along the way?
The Goal Isn’t to Never Compare
The goal isn’t to become a person who never compares themselves to anyone else. Maybe it’s becoming someone who can notice comparison without immediately turning it into evidence that they’re failing.
If you find yourself still having trouble with comparing yourself to other people, find yourself going after other people’s dreams only to be left unsatisfied, or are unsure what your ideal self feels like, therapy can be a helpful tool. Comparison can be debilitating if we let it pull us constantly into criticism or even striving for something we don’t really want.
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