Over the past year, there’s been a lot of buzz about the “Let Them Theory.” It comes from Mel Robbins and basically says that if someone wants to do something that bothers you… let them. Let them cancel plans. Let them ignore your text. Let them flake. And by letting them do what they’re going to do, the idea is that you’ll feel more peace, less anxiety, and avoid unnecessary drama.
Naturally, a bunch of my clients (and friends… and family) have asked what I think about it. So here it is.
First off: I get why this idea is appealing. Sometimes letting people show you who they are – without trying to control or change them – is the healthiest choice. There are moments when stepping back and not over-functioning can be really freeing.
Is the Let Them Theory helpful?
But. (And this is a big but.)
The “Let Them Theory” can get a little too black-and-white. It leans into that all-or-nothing thinking that shows up in a lot of self-help trends. The message seems to be: just “let them” no matter what, and your life will instantly feel better. That kind of blanket advice might sound empowering, but it can also feel overly simplified—and honestly, a little out of touch with real life.
Because here’s the thing: not everyone has the privilege or safety to just “let” people do whatever. Life is complex. People are complex. Relationships are complex. And acting like there’s a one-size-fits-all solution kind of misses the mark.
I also get concerned that this idea is being used as a way to avoid hard conversations. And look, I know having direct, honest, vulnerable conversations is hard. It takes courage. But at the end of the day, people aren’t mind readers. If you care about a relationship, communication is key. “Letting them” might feel easier in the moment, but it can also lead to resentment or disconnection over time.
The nuance was missing & a full life is really about embracing nuance
It doesn’t account for your unique experiences, your identity, your values, or the dynamics in your relationships. It treats everyone as if we all move through the world the same way. And we don’t.
This is also why I often tell clients that self-help books can be great tools—but they’re not the same as therapy. Therapy is about you. Your story, your patterns, your challenges. Self-help books, on the other hand, often package catchy ideas that try to apply to everyone. And sometimes, that can leave people feeling even more stuck or ashamed if it doesn’t “work” for them.
So, if the “Let Them Theory” resonates with you—awesome. Take what works. But don’t feel bad if it doesn’t feel quite right, either. You’re allowed to need more nuance, more clarity, and more space to figure out what actually works for you.
Things You Can Explore in Therapy Instead of Just “Letting Them”:
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Figuring out what’s in your control and what’s not. This can help you respond with more peace and less panic. Acceptance isn’t giving up—it’s just choosing where to put your energy.
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Getting more comfortable with direct, assertive communication. It’s a skill, and like all skills, it takes practice. Therapy can help you build it (and gently explore what makes it hard).
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Looking at shame and those loud “should” messages. Spoiler: most of those shoulds aren’t actually yours. Let’s unpack that.
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Practicing self-compassion. It’s not cheesy—it’s necessary. When you treat yourself with the same kindness you give others, everything changes (including how you show up in your relationships).
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Challenging all-or-nothing thinking. Most of life happens in the gray area—not in the extremes. Learning to live in the middle ground can be surprisingly freeing.
So, final thoughts? “Let Them” might work sometimes, but it’s not a magic solution. And it definitely doesn’t mean you need to silence yourself to keep the peace. You’re allowed to speak up, set boundaries, and take care of yourself in a way that’s grounded in your truth—not someone else’s Instagram reel.
