f you’ve ever struggled with relationship anxiety, you might have heard the advice, “You need to love yourself before you can love someone else.” But is that really true? The idea that we have to be completely healed and confident before entering a relationship can feel overwhelming—especially if you’re already prone to overthinking. The truth is, you don’t have to be a perfectly self-assured, unshakable person before finding love. Relationships can actually be part of the healing process.
Okay – but don’t I need to love myself before I have a healthy relationship?
Healthy relationships have the potential to be a vehicle for healing. Whether that relationship is platonic, romantic, familial, or therapeutic, the safety and security of a supportive connection can help you grow and work through insecurities.
For example, let’s say you’ve had past relationships where your feelings weren’t validated—maybe an ex dismissed you when you tried to express your needs, making you feel like your emotions were too much. Over time, you might start believing that opening up will always lead to rejection. But when you’re in a healthy relationship with someone who listens and responds with care, it challenges that old belief. Your brain starts to learn that expressing emotions can be safe, and that you are worthy of being heard.
The same holds true in friendships and therapy. When we consistently experience emotional support and understanding, we begin to feel more confident in sharing our thoughts, setting boundaries, and being ourselves without fear of rejection.
Want to learn more about healthy relationships? Visit The Gottman Site to learn more
What If I Feel Like I’m Not “Ready” for a Relationship?
It’s totally normal to wonder if you should work on yourself more before getting into a relationship—especially if you struggle with anxiety. But here’s the thing: sometimes, we don’t even realize what we need to heal until we’re in a relationship. Relationships act as mirrors, reflecting both our strengths and our struggles. Instead of waiting until you feel 100% ready, it can be more helpful to ask: Am I willing to grow within a relationship?
A healthy relationship won’t require you to be perfect—it will create space for you to work through fears, insecurities, and patterns in a way that feels safe and supportive.
Things to Notice in a Relationship:
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Are there moments when you feel yourself pulling away or shutting down instead of sharing what’s on your mind? These moments can be opportunities to challenge old fears and practice leaning in.
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Do you ever feel like you’re waiting for the “other shoe to drop,” even when things are going well? This can be a sign of past wounds surfacing—and an opportunity to remind yourself that not every relationship will repeat old patterns.
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Have you ever caught yourself being critical of your own needs, like thinking you’re “too much” for wanting reassurance? It might be helpful to practice self-compassion and remind yourself that your needs are valid.
How Therapy Can Help You Feel More Secure in Relationships:
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Understanding Attachment Styles: Learning about attachment styles can help you make sense of your relationship patterns and develop healthier ways of connecting with others.
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Practicing Healthy Communication: If you’ve ever felt like you don’t know how to express your needs in relationships, therapy can help you build confidence in communicating openly and effectively.
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Experiencing a Secure Relationship in Therapy: A therapeutic relationship can be incredibly healing. For many people, it’s the first time they experience a safe, supportive, and nonjudgmental connection. It’s a space where you can practice being vulnerable, setting boundaries, and repairing trust in relationships.
The Bottom Line
You don’t have to completely love yourself before getting into a relationship. The question do I need to love myself before I get in a relationship? often implies that love is something we earn through self-perfection. But in reality, love is something we learn—and sometimes, the right relationship helps us grow in ways we couldn’t on our own.
So if you struggle with relationship anxiety, know this: You don’t have to wait until you feel completely “healed” to deserve love. You are worthy of connection, support, and relationships that help you feel seen and valued right now.
