In my work with clients, we often identify and explore the presence of a harsh “internal bully”, or an inner voice that speaks negatively about you, feels “hard to please”, and one that constantly demands more from you. The voice tends to say things like:
- “You aren’t doing enough”
- “You don’t deserve good things”
- “You are a failure”
This is called your “inner critic”. This perspective is an internal voice or set of thoughts that judges, doubts, or demeans you. It’s the part of your inner dialogue that says things like:
- “You don’t deserve this”
- “You’ll embarrass yourself if you try that”
- “You aren’t loveable”
Your inner critic may have been shaped by experiences and relationships earlier in life, including messages from hypercritical parents, demanding teachers, judgmental peers, or even heavy societal expectations. Your inner critic may sound like demeaning or abusive voices from the past, or may have even taken on your own voice, making it difficult to decipher what you believe to be true about yourself versus what expectations others have put on you. After hearing these messages from an early age, we may begin to accept them as truth and they may sound more like:
- “I am a failure”
- “I don’t deserve good things”
- “I am an embarrassment”
Clients often feel embarrassed or ashamed to share that they have a harsh inner critic, especially when they acknowledge that they don’t align with the messaging of this inner voice. Clients often say “I know this isn’t true, but…”, indicating that they don’t believe the inner critic’s dialogue, yet feel imprisoned to it and often try to appease this inner voice to avoid discomfort, or are fearful of the message being true. Having a harsh inner critic is not a bad thing: it shows that you are motivated to protect yourself, even though it may feel like a contradictory way of doing so. Your inner critic may be trying to shield you from failure, protect you from rejection, or avoid shame- and in doing so, it may have grown to be overactive and harsh, constantly undermining your abilities, expecting perfection, and not allowing you to be human.
This internal undermining can impact your ability to trust yourself as it may lead you to:
- second-guessing yourself or your ability (“I’ll probably screw this up”)
- questioning your own judgment or intuition (“I can’t trust my own judgment.”)
- leading to an overdependence on external validation (“I need someone else to confirm this before I do it”).
Over time, this repeated and consistent internal doubt can lead to you feeling stuck due to fear of doing the “wrong thing”. In this pattern, you begin to lose yourself in the fight to appease the inner critic, which you may not even agree with. Since the inner critic often views things in absolutes, it can affect your sense of identity, attempting to keep you “safe” while it actually keeps you from taking risks. This limits your belief about what you can do and achieve, and over time, it creates a version of yourself that is only a hollow representation of who you can truly be.
This can manifest as:
- Low self-esteem
- Loss of identity
- Imposter syndrome
- Difficulty acknowledging strengths or successes
Clients often ask, “So- now that I know all of this- what do I do?”. In knowing this about why you have an inner critic and where came from, it is important to:
- Gain awareness of your inner critic– Notice the voice and the messaging, begin to acknowledge this is the “critic” and not “me”.
- Offer it curiosity– Explore the question, “What is it trying to protect me from?”. This can help us gain understanding and also offer compassion for the intention, while not allowing it to continue to negatively affect you.
- Challenge the “absolute statements” and introduce more balanced thinking. Replace the absolute statements with more encouraging, supportive statements. Here, our goal is to be “neutral” rather than “negative”.
- Shifting from “I am a failure” to “This is an area I struggle with, and I am focused on improving”.
Rather than allowing the inner critic to stand in your way, explore the messages it is trying to send, offer it curiosity, and remind it that you are allowed to be fully human. Even if this wasn’t the case in past relationships/situations. You have the ability to harness your full potential and in challenging negative views of yourself, you can truly unlock authenticity. There will be access to power you never knew you’ve had all along.
Working with the inner critic, helping you shift from self-criticism to self-compassion, in real ways is one of our specialities. Self-compassion isn’t fluff, it’s really seeing, acknowledging and befriending yourself so that you can be fulfilled, motivated and empowered. Ready to learn more? Click on our self-compassion specialty page here!
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