Dealing with Mom Guilt

By Kala Gattuso, LCSW

If you’ve ever felt that nagging guilt creeping in, you’re definitely not alone. You know, the one that says you aren’t planning enough activities, you aren’t doing enough around the house, you aren’t present enough with the kids. That heavy feeling of shame or regret, the constant worry that you’re not doing “enough” for your kids is the definition of mom guilt. It makes us feel constantly inadequate.

And you know what? The constant guilt can actually take a toll on your health, leading to exhaustion, sickness, and even a weakened immune system.

Where Does Mom Guilt Come From?

To understand mom guilt, we need to take a trip down memory lane. Many of us were raised to be selfless caretakers, shaped by societal norms, traditions, and family structures. We learned that taking care of others often brought us emotional safety and acceptance, reinforcing the pattern of putting others first.

As moms, our caregiving patterns create a sense of value but also test our self-worth if we feel we’re not doing “enough.” This constant giving often means neglecting self-care and setting unrealistic expectations for our parenting.

Comparing ourselves to other moms, striving for perfectionism, dealing with postpartum depression or anxiety, balancing a career (you know, everything that life throws at you), can make mom guilt even worse.

How to Deal with Mom Guilt and Reconnect with Yourself and Your Kids

1. Increase Awareness

   • Start by noticing when you’re feeling “not enough” or caught in the “should haves/could haves,” which often involve self-blame and shame.

2. Listen to Your Inner Critic

   • Compassionately explore the difference between who your inner critic is telling you to be and who you truly want to be right now.

3. Observe and Reframe Your Thoughts

   • Pay attention to those critical thoughts and investigate them with curiosity. Then, try to reframe them into kinder, more supportive ones. For example:

     • Fixed Mindset: "I am a bad mom; I constantly make mistakes."

     • Growth Mindset: "I am a good mom doing the best I can; I am still learning and open to continued growth."

4. Practice Regulation Exercises

   • Lower your stress levels with deep breathing exercises, meditation, and paired muscle relaxation (tensing and releasing muscle groups with breath).

5. Avoid Judgmental People

   • Surround yourself with supportive individuals. Negative influences can really hinder your progress.

6. Celebrate Parenting Successes

   • Acknowledge and celebrate your parenting wins, no matter how small. These are important milestones in your growth.

7. Ask for Help

   • Don’t hesitate to seek support from family, friends, or local resources when feeling overwhelmed. Remember, raising children takes a village.

8. Surround Yourself with Supportive Moms

   • Connect with other moms who offer support and understanding. It helps to feel less alone in your experiences.

9. Let Go of Unrealistic Expectations

   • Release unrealistic expectations from yourself, others, and social media. Focus on what’s truly important for you and your family.

Remember, you’re doing the best you can. Showing yourself kindness and compassion not only helps you heal but also sets a positive example for your kids. Embrace your journey with patience and self-love. You’ve got this, Mama.