Forgiving Yourself;
By Patrice Flanagan-Morris, LCSW
Recently, I have been working on forgiving myself. You have probably been there too. Maybe your situation was obvious that you did nothing wrong, maybe other times there was fault there. I know I am in good company. The hurt, disbelief, anger, and blame that comes up before understanding that you need self-forgiveness can feel debilitating. For not being perfect, for not always making the right choice or giving 100 percent, for those choices possibly hurting other people.
If you ask any of my clients, I remind them, we cannot give 100 percent of ourselves to 100 percent of things. Most of us have too much going on to do so. I have spent years trying to retrain my brain, and body to understand and embody slowing down. This way I can give more of myself to more of the things. My perfectionism tells me I should be on 100 percent of the time. Even on days when I am feeling more human, more drug down by life, I should still be that 100 percent bright, shiny, helpful person.
Oh perfectionism, old friend how are you?
I have spent the majority of my professional life helping others, and myself, let go of the idea that we have to do and be it all for everyone and everything. Honestly, it has been going well. The work that I have done has unburdened me in many ways. And then this event happened. Every part of me that has been dormant resurfaced. Here is the thing about deeply rooted beliefs, we often cannot eradicate them. However, we can lessen them, know them and stop them from shifting us into survival.
This voice was telling me it was my fault, knowing that I hadn’t done all that I could, I gave about 80 percent and a lot of people were impacted. I didn’t directly do any harm, but I didn’t directly stop harm from happening.
The alarm bells rang - “see this is why we spent all those years protecting, overinvolving, saving people. This was our whole purpose and we failed.”
Phew - I hear you, I understand you, I know why these feelings are coming up, they make sense.
My husband and close friends know this part of me well. They have been on the receiving end many times of my “help”, they have often felt the wrath of my perfectionism. While always well intended, it didn’t always have that impact. You’ve probably been on the receiving end of help you either didn’t ask for or that made you feel like you were less than. These are the people that have been present through much of my own healing, have praised me for the ways in which I have allowed myself to soften, to fail, to let go of control. Each one of them talked to me, checked in, reminded me of who I know I am.
And yet it wasn’t enough, something wasn’t clicking. Their support guided me to what I needed, but only I could give that to myself. I remembered who I was and that in my journey to be imperfect, it ultimately meant that others would get hurt because I didn’t prevent something. I don’t like that, I’m not sure many people do. It feels selfish, even though I would remind everyone who sits across from me that it is not. It feels unfair, which I would remind everyone who sits across from me that it is. It feels too human, there has to be a fix.
Self-forgiveness and perfectionism can’t live in the same space together, they fight, argue, battle. I had to choose, take time to soothe my perfectionist, support it in grieving that not being perfect means that other people will be hurt and sometimes I will hurt too.
And then lean into self-forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t a lack of accountability, but an honoring that there really is only so much we can do in this world. Truly, we can not do it all. It means that we can do our best and know that some days we won’t even have our best. Self-forgiveness allows us to take a step back, reflect, and move forward differently. It allows me to grieve what I need to so I don’t get stuck.
Self-forgiveness comes from a place of self-compassion. Knowing that no matter how much I can hold it together, I shouldn’t have to. This place tells me: ask for help, stay out of isolation. It reminds me that sometimes the thing I want to do the most is the thing that is going to keep me stuck. It sounds easier somedays to hide away, deal with my feelings on my own and come out the other side ready to keep helping. Sound familiar to you?
We don’t get self-forgiveness or self-compassion this way.
We build shame, dissociation, unprocessed grief, and heaviness that we end up carrying far longer than we need to.
How did I forgive myself? Honestly, I don’t think I am there yet. I meditate, continue taking care of myself, eating well, exercise, going to acupuncture. I reach out for support even if I don’t know what support looks like that day. I talk about it to force myself out of the shame, out of isolation. I remind myself every day of who I am and that being human means that we cannot save everyone, realistically we don’t save anyone - we might just get to stand by their side and support them as they move in the direction they need.
If you are working on forgiving yourself, yes even for something bad that you might truly have a part in, reach out, lean in, do the things you can in a self-compassionate light to help yourself. You don’t deserve to live in the darkness, you don’t deserve to remain hidden.