The Power of Repair: How to Fix Your Relationship After a Fight

By Kassidy Veness, LPC - IT

All our relationships will have conflict, and misunderstanding - it isn’t a sign of an unhealthy relationship, just a human one. These moments of disconnection, are known as ruptures. Ruptures are a small (or big) crack in the foundation of a relationship and are inevitable. Healthy and loving relationships do not come from avoiding conflict but how we handle the conflict during and after. Addressing these moments of disconnection, taking responsibility, acknowledging the impact on the other person, and working towards reconnection is known as repair. I am hoping that having some of these tools will have you face the conflict with more confidence and build the relationship you are hoping to have.

The Importance of Repair

So many of us feel overwhelmed and unsure after a disagreement. Maybe we are still feeling anger, hurt or disappointment. Sometimes, our pride, fear of conflict, or a desire to avoid vulnerability can hold us back from acknowledging ruptures altogether. We hope that things will resolve on their own, or that you have both “learned a lesson” and can move on, but when we avoid dealing with the rupture, the crack stays in the foundation. When we can face and repair these moments we can fill in the crack, heal the relationship and everyone can move forward. Whether it's a friendship, a romantic relationship, or a family connection, repair is essential for having a connecting relationship long term.

Reflecting on Past Ruptures

Think back to a time when you were hurt by someone you loved, and it was never acknowledged or resolved. This likely left you feeling isolated and disconnected from that person. Now, imagine how different it might have felt if your experience had been validated, the other person had taken responsibility, and you had moved forward feeling more connected. Repairing ruptures can be challenging, but it is crucial for maintaining successful and healthy relationships.

Steps to Fix Your Relationship After a Fight

Here are some gentle steps to help you through the process of repairing your relationship after a fight:

1. Validate Their Experience

   • Start by acknowledging the other person's feelings. Listen to their perspective without judgment and show empathy. This helps them feel heard and understood, which is the foundation for rebuilding trust. Acceptance does not equal approval - you do not have to agree with someone to validate their experiences.

2. Take Responsibility for Your Part in the Rupture

   • Own up to your actions or words that contributed to the disconnection. Admitting your mistakes and expressing genuine remorse demonstrates humility and a willingness to make things right.

3. Discuss What You’ll Do Differently Next Time

   • Talk about what you can do differently in the future to prevent similar issues. This might involve setting new boundaries, improving communication, or making specific changes in your behavior. Working together on solutions shows your commitment to the relationship’s growth and health.

Overcoming Barriers to Repair

The steps are simple, the effort is not. Repairing relationships often means we need to put the scoreboard down, move out of who is wrong vs right and lean into wanting to heal the relationship, offering an opportunity for everyone to be heard and understood.

1. Pride and Fear of Conflict

   • It's natural to feel reluctant to admit mistakes or to fear conflict. Try to remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and that addressing conflicts can lead to stronger relationships. Approach the repair process with an open and humble mindset.

2. Guardedness and Vulnerability

   • Opening up and being vulnerable can feel daunting. However, practicing vulnerability and trusting that the other person will reciprocate can lead to more meaningful and effective repairs. It’s okay to take it slow and allow yourself to feel safe in the process.

3. When it’s the relationship with your child

   • Parents might worry that discussing conflicts with their children could reinforce unwanted behaviors. However, modeling healthy repair processes can teach children valuable lessons about accountability and empathy. By addressing ruptures openly and honestly, parents can help their children develop healthier relationship skills.

The Long-Term Benefits of Repair

Investing in the repair process can lead to numerous long-term benefits for your relationships. Effective repairs restore trust, deepen emotional connections, and promote a sense of safety and security. When you both feel heard, understood, and valued, the relationship becomes more resilient to future ruptures and might even avoid them altogether.

1. Strengthening Emotional Bonds

   • Repairing ruptures helps to strengthen emotional bonds. By addressing conflicts and misunderstandings, you demonstrate a commitment to the relationship’s well-being. This, in turn, fosters a deeper sense of connection and mutual respect.

2. Building Trust and Saftey

   • Taking responsibility for your actions and validating the other person’s feelings can rebuild trust and create a safe space for open communication. When the other can feel safe and supported, they are more likely to share their thoughts and emotions honestly, leading to healthier and more fulfilling relationships.

Focusing on repair in relationships can transform moments of disconnection into opportunities for growth, deeper understanding and actually enhanced connection. Through validation, accountability, and proactive changes, we can build stronger, more resilient relationships that thrive on mutual respect and empathy. Embrace the power of repair, and watch your relationships flourish.