Navigating Hard Days: Small Steps Towards Feeling Better
By Patrice Flanagan-Morris, LCSW
On a day that feels extremely hard, the most annoying thing I can hear my husband say to me is “Why don’t you go on a walk, it seems to help you when you are feeling like this”. My immediate response? Roll my eyes, internally scoff, and say “What does he know”. You know the conversation right? In the past I have often taken these moments of unsolicited advice as just that, telling him that I just need him to hear me right now and not tell me what to do.
But here's the thing—I've overlooked that he knows me well, witnessing my highs and lows.
His intent is not to dismiss my struggles. It is a reminder that when I want to bunker down, isolate and stay mad – it usually doesn’t serve me. I don’t usually walk away feeling better or reset, I just feel more mad. The soreness eats me up and shifts me out of being who I really am.
Can you replay your last eye-roll conversation too? Perhaps it's a well-meaning friend, sibling, or therapist offering simple tasks amid life's chaos. These little things can seem so small in the grand scheme of things. When we are actively going through hard times, facing lost, reprocessing trauma, entering into the overwhelm of new parenthood, and trying to get sober for the 100th time, we can’t imagine that going on the walk will help.
And I will be honest. It isn’t going to fix that problem, no one is really suggesting that it will.
What they are suggesting is that, taking a step back, and getting some simple movement in might help our nervous system start to move towards a more regulated state. And when we are regulated - we make decisions that are better for us in the long run. If we stay in fight or flight we make decisions that are based in short-term survival. If our body is feeling immobile, and we stay immobile, we will make immobile choices: canceling plans that would have been filling our cup, eating food that we know doesn’t fuel us, checking out and scrolling on our phones. None of these things are true self-care when they are coming from a place of survival.
So what do you do when you can’t muster up the energy to do the small thing that is being suggested to you? One thing we know about our nervous systems is that they thrive off co-regulation. So maybe this person that is giving you the feedback could help, if they could do the thing with you and stay in a calm state - your nervous system will feed off of that. And you will find with time, the thing gets easier to do.
Some little things that could help you take one step closer to yourself today:
Go for a walk (it can literally be 3 - 5 minutes, check-in and see if you have the energy to go another 5)
Meditate (again let’s think small here, maybe 2 - 3 minutes to start)
Sitting with a loved one (seriously, you don’t even have to talk, just ask if they can sit with you, be silent, and stay in calm energy)
Sit on the ground and breath
Trust me, I understand the negative impacts of toxic positivity. The walk, the meditation, the regulation it isn’t going to fix everything. AND it can take you one step closer to yourself. And the more often we practice these small things, the closer we get to ourselves automatically. Making the bigger stuff like reprocessing trauma, healing our relationships, self-compassion, and love, just a little bit easier.
Know who you can listen to when they make the suggestion, not everyone gets a vote. But the important ones, the ones who see you, love you, and want the best for you. Take a minute and reflect on what they are saying, and maybe today take the suggestion.
Patrice Flanagan-Morris, LCSW
Owner, Psychotherapist, Community Educator