Maybe Thinking Positively is Actually Hurting You
By Kassidy Veness, LPC-IT
You’ve heard the phrase “Oh just look on the bright side, it could have been worse, at least it’s not ______”. You can feel the big sigh while you read those statements. In a moment of vulnerability, sharing something hard that is going on and immediately we are reminded that our pain is too much. Or that we are being overdramatic. Or that we should just be grateful, because wouldn’t that be easier than the hard feelings?
While they are often well-intentioned, these phrases can feel extremely invalidating, frustrating, and dismissive. It’s not that there isn’t a place for these phrases but when they are used to try and bypass our pain, they shut us down. They leave no room for honoring emotions or processing. They move us away from connection and vulnerability. Often these statements can make us feel isolated, and shameful about who we are and what we feel.
Have you noticed yourself in times quick to make these statements? It’s normal, it’s conditioned, and it’s often how we were taught and talked to when we were young. We feel like if we can get someone into gratitude they won’t have to feel the hard thing. We can work on trusting ourselves and others so that they can handle the hard things. And that maybe the hard thing would be easier if we could just be in it with them and not change it at that moment.
Some tips for you:
Notice when you are struggling to sit in a hard feeling with someone
Give yourself at least 5 seconds before you respond, this gives you time to really listen to respond instead of jumping into your automatic response
Try asking - do you need advice or for me to just listen and be here
If you are struggling with this in conversation with someone else:
Try asserting your boundary that you just need them to listen
Explain to them what feels validating and like you have been seen in the moment
Try to support yourself in the same way you want support from others
As cheesy as it can sound, we often need someone willing to weather the storm with us instead of pretending it’s not raining. We must make space for both reality and hope.
The antidote to toxic positivity is not constant pessimism. It’s acceptance. Acknowledging and holding space for what people are going through. Validating their feeling and experiences. Being present with people (or ourselves) during a difficult time - rather than forcing a silver lining in a crappy situation.
Goodman, W. (2022). Toxic positivity: Keeping it real in a world obsessed with being happy. Orion Spring.