I Feel So Overwhelmed I Can’t Even Enjoy the Holidays": How Setting Boundaries with Family Can Help
Sometimes, the holidays are the most wonderful time of the year—filled with good food, new memories, and gatherings with loved ones. For a lot of us, it’s a season of stress, overwhelm, and tension. You may find yourself juggling too many responsibilities, navigating difficult family dynamics, and feeling like you’re spread too thin to actually enjoy the season. By the end of all of it, you are sighing in relief that is is over.
The holidays often bring together a mix of personalities, opinions, and expectations that can leave you feeling stuck. Maybe you dread certain family get-togethers or feel like you’re just going through the motions, checking off boxes rather than making meaningful memories. You want to enjoy the holidays, but you feel so overwhelmed that it seems impossible. The good news? Setting clear boundaries can change that.
Why Boundaries Matter During the Holidays
Boundaries are crucial, especially during a season that can easily drain your energy. Boundaries are limits that protect your well-being and allow you to prioritize what’s important to you. Without them, you may find yourself saying yes to too much, feeling resentful, and ultimately burning out.
When family gatherings are involved, boundaries become even more essential. You might be around people you haven’t seen in a long time, and these interactions can stir up old conflicts, trigger emotions, or create uncomfortable situations. The holidays are often a breeding ground for guilt and pressure—whether it’s feeling obligated to attend every event, host every meal, or engage in conversations that don’t feel right.
And I know, boundaries is probably not a new concept to you, but they feel impossible with family. The ride or die mentality, giving it all up for family runs deep for many of us, especially in the midwest.
Examples of Holiday Boundaries to Relieve Overwhelm
You may feel hesitant to set boundaries, especially if it’s something you’re not used to doing. Let’s be honest, when you were raised to be a people-pleaser you are used to doing things out of obligation, it is almost automatic. Taking care of your emotional health is not selfish—it’s necessary for enjoying your holiday season.
Here are some boundary examples that might help you feel less overwhelmed:
“Thank you for the invite, but I won’t be able to attend this year.”
“I’ll come for dinner, but I need to leave by 8:00 p.m.”
“I can host, but I’ll need help with cooking or clean-up.”
“I don’t feel comfortable discussing that topic right now.”
“I won’t engage in political discussions tonight.”
“Please stop asking when we’re going to have children.”
These may seem like small changes, but setting these kinds of boundaries can make a huge difference. They allow you to manage your energy, avoid unwanted stress, and prioritize the parts of the holiday that truly matter to you. They also require self-reflection, you can’t know what you need if you don’t know what has been hard and what might make it easier.
Why It’s So Hard to Set Boundaries (and How to Get Better at It)
Many of us weren’t taught how to set boundaries, and we might feel guilt or fear of disappointing others when we try. Actually, many of us were taught to do things out of obligation. That as an adult, your job was to make others happy. Without putting your needs in the mix, you’re left feeling overwhelmed and drained, unable to enjoy the things that matter most.
The key is practice. Setting boundaries is a skill, and like any skill, it takes time to develop. Therapy can be a great resource for working through any feelings of guilt or shame that come up when you start asserting your needs. There is a LOT of unconditioning that comes with boundary setting, in therapy not only do we talk about the roots of where this comes from but we also work with methods that help you get to the core like Brainspotting.
Here are a few tips for practicing healthy boundaries:
Get clear on your priorities: What matters most to you this holiday season? Identify what you need to feel more peace and fulfillment, and let that guide your boundaries.
Communicate clearly and calmly: Boundaries are most effective when they’re communicated without defensiveness. You don’t owe anyone a long explanation—just express your needs calmly and conscisly.
Give yourself permission to say no: You can’t be everything to everyone. Saying no is necessary sometimes, and it’s okay to protect your energy. And honestly - wouldn’t you rather trust that the people around you will say no when they need to as well?
Accept that you can’t please everyone: Not everyone will be happy with your boundaries, and that’s okay. Your emotional well-being is worth it.
Let This Holiday Season Be Different
You don’t have to let holiday overwhelm take away your joy. By setting boundaries that protect your well-being, you give yourself the opportunity to actually enjoy the season, create meaningful memories, and feel less stressed. Start small if needed, but know that each boundary you set is a step toward a more peaceful and fulfilling holiday experience.
If you’re feeling like the holidays are more draining than fun, consider working with a therapist to develop boundary-setting skills and strategies to navigate difficult family dynamics. You deserve to feel in control of your holiday season and to enjoy it in a way that aligns with your values and needs.
Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set boundaries, find peace: A guide to reclaiming yourself. TarcherPerigee, an imprint of Penguin Random House LLC.